Sitting with Pain

“I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.” – Oriah Mountain Dreamer “The Invitation”*

Pain is one of the universal experiences of life. Grief is a particular form of pain that comes from mourning a loss. The loss could be of an idea – like freedom or love. The loss could be a person – a relative or friend that drifted out of touch or perhaps died. It can even be personal – losing a part of yourself or a limb. Being human means experiencing grief at some time.

Working in social services, I have experienced many moments of sitting with others in their grief, in their pain. People will lash out and yell at you in their pain, even if you had no part of it. Others will break down crying hysterically. Some become numb.

In times of immense grief, words often seem impotent to me. What do you say to a person who just lost their child in a school shooting? Or to the person who lost their spouse of more than 50 years? Platitudes like “They’re in a better place” or “You’ll see them again beyond the veil of this life” seem trite to me and I feel small when I say them. Worse, when we try to reason away the pain (e.g. “Johnny would not want you to be sad”), or solve it more often than not we are only making matters worse for the person. When the person is ready to talk solutions, he or she will approach you and let you know. When we are uncomfortable, we often fall back on words, looking for anything to distract us or to fill the silence. It took a while before I was able to sit with people in their pain. Even now, after over a decade working with people, I am not an expert and will sometimes find myself trying to fill the silences.

There is dignity to sitting with people in their grief. When you sit with them, you are not sitting next to them in the sense that you are in the room but your mind is not there, rather it is wandering and thinking about your cell phone, what’s on the TV, what should you say, how long should you stay, did I put the slow cooker on before I left, and so on. It is easy for the mind to wander, because it creates distance from the pain, which is another common avoidance strategy. People can tell when you are distant. Rather sit with them and focus on them. Witnessing their pain and sharing in it reminds people that they are not alone. Often no words need be spoken beyond an introduction (e.g. “Jane, I am so sorry for your loss. I am here for you if you want to talk or need anything.”).

*Oriah Mountain Dreamer is one of my favorite writers. You can read more about her, her poems, and her books from her website: oriahmountaindreamer.com

#Loss #Relationships #TheJourney #Grief