Turning Isolation into Intentional Time

The nature of my work as a social worker led me to be exposed to people who had the COVID19 virus. At the time, I did not know the person had the virus when I met with him. This led my work to put me on a 2 week quarantine to see if I developed any symptoms of the virus.

While in self-quarantine, I had a lot of time. I spent some time reading and writing and took some online classes. I did my best to resist the temptation to despair, but there were days that I could not get out of bed, days where I just watched Netflix. They were dark days to be sure.

In the midst of my inner struggles, I realized the hypocrisy of my position. Jim and I spend a lot of time talking up the virtues of solitude (how it recenters you, gives clarity to thought, and gives purpose, gratitude, inspiration, and so much more), but here I was despairing of the situation and not practicing what we preach. I decided to be more intentional with my time.

Using the principles of solitude (i.e. set up a time to be alone and quiet, remove distractions, reflect, let the thoughts flow, resist the temptation to do and instead just be) I started. The irony is that I had all this time alone, but I was still distracted and unfocused, allowing my anxiety to run amok. Setting time aside to focus on solitude was a wonderful opportunity to detox from a lot of the electronic distractions (news, emails, etc) that had been building up. These distractions often served to increase my stress and anxiety about being isolated from others and being worried about the disease.

I put aside specific blocks of time for me to be quiet and just be. At first it was very difficult. Sometimes I could not even last a full hour before the anxiety and fears overwhelmed me and I had to do something else, like read, to distract myself. I realized the reason I could not stand myself for long periods of time was that I was out of practice with solitude and that I was very anxious, stressed, and afraid. With that knowledge I forgave myself for not being able to last alone in quiet for long periods of time. Solitude is a process that builds on itself.

Over the course of the two weeks I was able to do longer periods of solitude. I slowly worked through my fears and anxieties – that I would catch the virus, that I would not be able to pay bills, that all of my striving was for naught, and so many others. I worked through all of this by letting these thoughts run their course. I did not try to stop them, but allowed them to run and eventually they diminished and dissipated. Allowing them to run afforded me the chance to look at the thought from many different angles and see its eventual end. These things help calm me down and provide reassurances. Going through solitude allows one to remember that there are good things in the present – like my ability to take a breath, my family, shelter, and food that I do not have to struggle for. These realizations though, and the peace that comes with it, is only found by working through the struggle.

I cannot say that I came to any earth-shattering, paradigm-shifting insights. No, nothing so grand. Rather, I was able to refocus myself and identify what mattered in my life. In recentering myself I found peace. What changed for me was when I started to take time intentionally, instead of letting it distract me, to use for solitude. If you have not given solitude a try, I would encourage you to do so.

#Healing #Depression #Darkness #TheJourney #Intentionality #Change #Solitude