Acedia Strikes

“Listlessness to everything, but brooding sorrow, was the night that fell on my undisciplined heart. Let me look up from it - as at last I did, thank Heaven! - and from its long, sad, wretched dream, to dawn.” – David Copperfield by Charles Dickens

The reason behind our summer hiatus was a bad case of acedia that beset both of us. Some like George Orwell and Aldous Huxley claimed that acedia was an affliction of the modern world, however it has a much longer history. Acedia is a condition marked by a sense of apathy for both spiritual and physical things; an insidious, grating listlessness. The early church called it the “noonday devil” and the Catholics went on to list it as one of the seven deadly sins (later called “sloth” in English). In the depths of acedia, there is a sense of hopelessness and futility; a sense that nothing is worth it, that the struggle is for naught and the temptation is to stop all things. In many ways it parallels the Dark Night of the Soul that John of the Cross described in the 16th century. Thoreau in the 19th century observed that “the mass of men live lives of quiet desperation.”

Like many during the time of the pandemic, we were stressed by the stay at home orders and the limited social interactions it afforded us. Talking via phone and video chat are helpful but in the end they do not replace the full energy we derive from in person interactions. Our confinement was exacerbated by an unhealthy level of negative news – from politics, to protests, to pandemics. We were also worried about family members who caught COVID-19 and were living in cities rocked by violence. I experienced a sense of helplessness knowing there was nothing to do but pray for their recovery and their safety. Additionally, we draw our strength from solitude. However, as many of you have pointed out, to find solitude we often go out to the desert and the deserted areas. I know that it is possible to meditate and experience solitude within the home environment; however that experience during this season remains elusive for me.

After my own quarantine period was over and I reunited with my wife, the distractions (while welcome) did pile up quickly. I also had some personal setbacks of rejections and negative reviews of other projects I’ve been working on. I became overwhelmed and gave in. I stopped writing and watched more Netflix and played mindless computer games. Hence we found ourselves in an unannounced summer hiatus that drove us deeper into the darkness of acedia.

After a few months, apparently I was driving my wife crazy and she told me so. She began playing positive music throughout the house and encouraged me with positive Bible verses. She reminded me about others who persevered through setbacks. With her encouragement I was able to get back into practice with my writing and meditations. I’m still not where I was before the pandemic hit in terms of functionality. I know there is never any turning back of the clock, however with practice I hope to bounce back stronger than I was.

I am reminded by the ending of The Great Gatsby, “It eluded us then, but no matter – tomorrow we will run

faster, stretch out our arms farther… So we beat on, boats against the current…”

#Depression #Lost #Darkness #TheJourney #Paradigm