The Loss of a Light

“Despair has been called the unforgivable sin - not presumably because God refuses to forgive it but because it despairs of the possibility of being forgiven.” Fredrick Buechner

I remember feeling so alone and disconnected after my divorce. I wrote the previous passage in my journal over 30 years ago ... but until recently I had forgotten how loss and grief can drive you into that pit of despair.

Gina has a sweet, sweet spirit and eyes that see God in most everything and everyone. (The verb tense is noted and real...) She wrote odes of praise to our modern prophets - Dylan, Cohen ... even Nick Cave found grace in Gina’s poetry ... as did I ...

When she lost her battle with cancer her passing had me question the value of things in a way that took me back 30 years. Needless to say her death hit me hard. I had planned a month long bike trip with a good friend who understood the need to change course, and so we took a two week trip up to Seattle to attend Gina’s memorial and be with Rick. Criss-crossing California and Oregon, traveling from campground to casino and trying to find a place in my credo for this loss of light in a world that seems to be hurling deeper into darkness with each news report. As we traveled north, I thought and tried to avoid thinking all at the same time. On the trip there were moments of beauty that reminded me of “once upon a time” and moments of grayness that shrouded my soul in unanswered questions.

The journey north covered about a week, although looking back I could not tell you if the time moved quickly or not. It was a time that just seemed ... disconnected. At times I was wondering why I was there - why I was anywhere for that matter. I arrived four or five days before the service, not knowing what to expect. Of course, for four decades when I get together with Rick the unexpected is pretty much the way of things. Rick was understandably busy with family and details for “the gathering,” as he called it - the memorial service celebrating Gina’s amazing life. We did find a few times to get together to take in good wine and music. I had traveled north to be there for him, but found I needed his presence as much as he did mine.

We didn’t talk a lot, which, if you knew our dynamic you would find impossible to believe. But this was a time that words were not enough. How do you find the words to honor a Poet? They have already used the good ones in describing life. The only place I could find any rest was in Silence. So, I wrote this for Gina:

There are times that Silence is the only question we can ask ...

It echos through eternity

And Silence is our only answer

Our questions from this temporal shore across the vast creation fade

Not a sound ... not even an echo ...

Stillness that bring us to our knees

Lest we rise in rage

We fear nothingness

Though it is whence we came

We seek answers that we can write down and cling to (as we tremble)

But eternal answers have no sound

Some words limit and judge

Gina’s word set us free in their vastness

Guiding us into the Silence

And setting us Free

The depth of her Silence echoes through eternity...

(Please check out some of the books our friend Gina wrote at http://ginamariemammano.com/books They are truly beautiful and moving. We know that you will be inspired and changed by them.)

#Anger #Loss #Grief